No one will see this

People always say, "Let me know if you need anything." I've said that lots of times to other people I knew were going through a hard time. But really, do you call anyone when you're feeling down? Do you say "Hey, I'm feeling down today, can we talk?" No... you don't. You reach out tentatively...you ask "Hey, when do you want to meet for coffee?" The answer is 2 or 3 days away. Not soon enough. Someone says "I'm working late." Others don't even call. Of course, how can they know you need them to?

I think in the future, when someone I know is feeling sad, I won't wait for them he/she to call me when he/she wants to talk. I think I'll call without being asked.

Almost my 51st birthday

Sometimes I re-read my posts and think "I'm so stupid." Why can't I be more creative and find more subjects-ideas to write about? Why is it that I so often only write when I'm upset in some way?

I'm sick of myself.

long, dark night

In the beginning, we both talked about our trust issues. We both agreed that we didn't trust anyone much. But I optimistically thought we would build trust together. In the end though, your trust only diminished in us, in me. And I realized in the last two weeks, that you had no trust or faith in me at all.

I guess that is finally what pushed me completely out of the door. Though you had been trying to push me out for a long time, I kept hoping things would get better. You once said that you were testing me, to see how long I would hold on, or if I would stay no matter what. But a person can't stay in a relationship when there is no belief in love. And then things didn't get better. They only got worse. I'm so sad that it got worse. I miss you so much. But I need someone who will trust me, because for me, that is the basis for long-term love.

Happy Valentine's Day - bah humbug!

It doesn't matter if you're the one who left or the one who was left. Ending is never easy. It hurts. For the last two weeks I've been dreaming of her. Some dreams I was mad, but mostly.... I miss her. My arms miss her, my heart..... Even though logically I know we weren't getting along and that for a long time I knew things were unlikely to change.... emotionally I miss all of it, even the fights, but not the insults. I think of her coffee, fires in the backyard ..... I miss the laughing and the closeness we had in the beginning and once in a while toward the end. I will always miss that so very much.

Forecast: mix of sun and clouds

University of Michigan football games draw over 100,000 people each home game. A substantial percentage of these people walk by my house. Every week that I see this, it amazes me that there are this many people in such a small area of town. I try not to think of how many people there are in the world, it is quite overwhelming. Just a small snippet of the world's population.....walking by my house. Yet there is SO many people! Each one with their own lives. What are they thinking about? What's for dinner? Their work? Their spouse? How many of them are lonely? How many are headed to a home with no one there? Are these people sad to be going home-leaving their friends? Does loneliness feel the same to everyone? Is that why certain songs and poetry effects us the way it does? Because we recognize the feeling?

All these faces......all these different people. Going home.

Purple thoughts

Why is it so hard for us to follow our intuition? Why do we resist and hold back when our hearts say go forward? Is it just human nature? Is it fear? Fear of getting what we want? I think it's mostly fear of rejection. Rejection hurts, it sucks, and we avoid it whenever possible.

Dark Monday

I can hear the rumble of thunder outside. Goddess knows we need the rain. I have been watching the front yard burn slowly each day as the sun has beat down upon it in the 90 degree weather. It's unbearable.

what you say in your silence

Years ago I was working as a recipient rights adviser. One of the parts of my training was to watch a video about a guy who used to interrogate people for the Jewish Army. He said that one of the most powerful tools is to have someone write down what they did around the time you are questioning them about, and then listen and look for what they don't say. I'll never forget his example, regarding Magic Johnson and his contracting HIV, "Magic Johnson said he wasn't gay, he never said he wasn't bisexual." I have always remembered that and try to use it in my work and even personal life. Truly people will tell you everything in what they don't say. Personally, it took me years to stop saying too much. I have finally learned to be more quiet and listen.

Now here is another email from you, and you ask me how am I, what is going on in my life. About every 6 months or so you do this to me. Each time I spill my heart and guts to you, because you have had that hold on me for years now. Then I ask you about your life, because I genuinely want to know and also because I think I know the answer. But you never respond to my question. There is either only silence or you ask something more about my life. You don't say what is happening with you, who you are with, if you are married with children, or alone. What is the purpose of your emails and texts? Are you checking to see if I'm waiting for you? Well I'm not, and I didn't. Does that bother you? Probably not. I think you wonder what would have happened if we had tried. But you had your chance. You told me you felt the same as I did for you, but that was a lie, you never said you loved me.

I won't answer your emails or texts anymore.

dreary

life is hard work
the sky stays gray
and it's
dreary

you don't realize until he's gone how much you rely on him. he is your best friend, close enough to be a brother, and just like your own brother, he makes you laugh and feel better even when you don't want to. then when he leaves, as he has every right to move on, you swallow your missing him and pretend you're okay.

months later, you finally have your breakdown 'cuz you can't hold it in any more. so go ahead and feel sorry for yourself for today. things will continue to change.

talk about being surprised!

although really, when you think about it, I shouldn't be. I was hoping against hope that our new governor would be okay. I was hoping because he is from Ann Arbor that maybe, just maybe, he'd be different than the other white elitist republicans. However, based on his current appointments of the people chosen to head the Department of Human Services, I see I am very wrong about him.

Maura Corrigan. Talk about a homophobe! She sent an order in 2002 to Washtenaw County to stop them from allowing 2 parent adoptions. SHE ordered them to stop. She belongs to the Federalist Society. Check them out: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/federalist-society

Also appointed: Brian Rooney. Member of the Thomas Moore Law Center. http://www.thomasmore.org/default-sb_thomasmore.html?959127088 - enough said about him.

I am SO worried that these right-wingers will stop allowing us to have gay and lesbian foster parents. One of the best dad's I've worked with has said "I hope they don't turn us into Florida, where you can't even be a foster parent if you're gay or lesbian."

So I say to Rick Snyder: please stop telling people you are from Ann Arbor, it gives people the impression that you care, that you are open-minded, and that you are full of compassion and love for your fellow man. And since you're apparently just another rich, white, elitist..... you make the rest of us here in Ann Arbor who work hard to have that open, compassionate image look bad.

In 4 days he has blown my confidence in this department to smithereens. I can only hope it will be a short 4 years.

bathroom advice

so, here you are, in the middle of the night in your bathroom. you wake up because you have to pee. or you have just come home from being away for some time, at least 2 hours and you need to use the bathroom. my thoughts are this:

1. do NOT look behind the bathroom curtain while on the toilet. because IF there is a monster in there, you are soooo screwed. you are on the toilet with your pants down. who wants to be found dead on the toilet with your pants down????

2. do NOT look behind the bathroom curtain AFTER you are done and BEFORE you pull up your pants. again..... pants down and dead.

3. you could check behind the curtain PRIOR to using the bathroom. we all know the danger in this is that you may pee or *ahem* doo doo in your pants.

4. the best and most logical choice is to check behind the curtain AFTER you have completed your business and AFTER you have pulled up your pants. you may want to consider opening the bathroom door for a quick escape if necessary.

winter

it's a tough time of year. the days are shorter. there's all this pressure to "buy buy buy". *sigh* I don't like it. how did we get roped into this mass materialism. sure, we need clothes, shoes, tires for our car. but do we NEED gameboys? do we NEED the x-box? do we NEED showtime and a dvr? you may think you do.... the videos to keep your kids occupied and happy. the dvr to waste your time at night instead of reading a real book, not one on kindle- jebus, who the hell thought that one up?- just let me have a book I can hold onto. one with a cover, pages, and a bookmark to keep the place I stop at when my eyes are burning and I'm too tired to read anymore. Oh, don't get me too wrong....I have a laptop, I'm typing on it right now. I have a cell phone, a nice stereo. but I can't help thinking about the commercial I saw last year for some electronic day-book, it said at the end, "You didn't know you needed it til now." because it didn't exist til then!

I think we should minimize. It would take all this pressure off of us. It would probably help us all feel a little better about our economic situation. So people, if you're getting a gift from me this year, don't be surprised if it isn't store-bought. It's my own little way of rebelling.... besides, I'm just as broke as everyone else!!! Happy Holidays.

blue day

I really just feel blue today. I just got so mad at a client for bad-talking my coworker and boss that I feel my blood pressure has skyrocketed. *sigh* sometimes life is so much harder than other times. work, personal, and social....it can be just too much..... I need a beer.... I think I'm pretty good at relationships and work. then I realize I'm just as big a fuck up as everyone else- for someone like me- that's a big, sharp pill to swallow. therefore I'm posting "blue" today.

I've been thinking...

A lot lately about the human race. You know what I think?? I think we are just another species on this planet. I look at our desire to shack up and have kids. Our desire to more powerful, more rich, have more material goods, land, have the best religion.... even kill for this last one. And what's it all for? Who are we impressing?? No one. That's who. But compare us to another species and we're not much different. We're certainly not the only species to mate for life, and most of us can't be faithful to that!!!

I look at us driving around crazily, to and from work, to and from the store, and I think "Jesus, we aren't any different than the ants running around looking for food." What makes us so much better? Our brains? Look at what we've done with our brains. We commit genocide, make machines that can destroy the earth, and poison our children.

Then just when I think I can't take any more of us..... a little 4 year old girl that I was putting a jigsaw puzzle together with, surprised me with a kiss and a hug and said "I love you."

Suddenly, I felt pretty good to be human.

sunny Friday

it is the Friday before Halloween. B and I are attending 2 parties this weekend as Pocahontas and Captain John Smith. all around me it seems people are having troubles, but the sun is shining and it's Friday.

I'm ready.

keep moving on

I just got off the phone with my woman. We were talking about a car accident that left a mother of two dead after they were hit by a drunk driver. B (my woman) was saying how it's always disconcerting when you hear about situations like this and you wonder how close to home it is. We have connections to people who were involved in this accident.

Then I hang up and I think about death. We go about our lives every day on the assumption we will be okay. And mostly we are. But we all know of, and I think most of us refuse to think about, the finality of our lives. So we keep moving on don't we? But really, what else is there to do? We mourn our losses and our loved ones. Then we get up the next day and start over.

This then is life. Keep moving like you're immortal. That's what I'm doing. I'll come to work, I'll write in my blogs, I'll pay my bills, I'll love my family and I'll kiss the babies as much as I can. I will have regrets and wishes for "do-overs," I'll have successes and failures. And I can say that I'm living.

here we are

it's been a long time. I've started blogging with my sister Cassie and it apparently has fueled my desire to blog again on my own. I suppose that's okay. So I've "rebooted" this blog and deleted all the old stuff.

it's kind of scary, opening up to a whole new world.