Happy Valentine's Day - bah humbug!

It doesn't matter if you're the one who left or the one who was left. Ending is never easy. It hurts. For the last two weeks I've been dreaming of her. Some dreams I was mad, but mostly.... I miss her. My arms miss her, my heart..... Even though logically I know we weren't getting along and that for a long time I knew things were unlikely to change.... emotionally I miss all of it, even the fights, but not the insults. I think of her coffee, fires in the backyard ..... I miss the laughing and the closeness we had in the beginning and once in a while toward the end. I will always miss that so very much.

Forecast: mix of sun and clouds

University of Michigan football games draw over 100,000 people each home game. A substantial percentage of these people walk by my house. Every week that I see this, it amazes me that there are this many people in such a small area of town. I try not to think of how many people there are in the world, it is quite overwhelming. Just a small snippet of the world's population.....walking by my house. Yet there is SO many people! Each one with their own lives. What are they thinking about? What's for dinner? Their work? Their spouse? How many of them are lonely? How many are headed to a home with no one there? Are these people sad to be going home-leaving their friends? Does loneliness feel the same to everyone? Is that why certain songs and poetry effects us the way it does? Because we recognize the feeling?

All these faces......all these different people. Going home.

Purple thoughts

Why is it so hard for us to follow our intuition? Why do we resist and hold back when our hearts say go forward? Is it just human nature? Is it fear? Fear of getting what we want? I think it's mostly fear of rejection. Rejection hurts, it sucks, and we avoid it whenever possible.

Dark Monday

I can hear the rumble of thunder outside. Goddess knows we need the rain. I have been watching the front yard burn slowly each day as the sun has beat down upon it in the 90 degree weather. It's unbearable.

what you say in your silence

Years ago I was working as a recipient rights adviser. One of the parts of my training was to watch a video about a guy who used to interrogate people for the Jewish Army. He said that one of the most powerful tools is to have someone write down what they did around the time you are questioning them about, and then listen and look for what they don't say. I'll never forget his example, regarding Magic Johnson and his contracting HIV, "Magic Johnson said he wasn't gay, he never said he wasn't bisexual." I have always remembered that and try to use it in my work and even personal life. Truly people will tell you everything in what they don't say. Personally, it took me years to stop saying too much. I have finally learned to be more quiet and listen.

Now here is another email from you, and you ask me how am I, what is going on in my life. About every 6 months or so you do this to me. Each time I spill my heart and guts to you, because you have had that hold on me for years now. Then I ask you about your life, because I genuinely want to know and also because I think I know the answer. But you never respond to my question. There is either only silence or you ask something more about my life. You don't say what is happening with you, who you are with, if you are married with children, or alone. What is the purpose of your emails and texts? Are you checking to see if I'm waiting for you? Well I'm not, and I didn't. Does that bother you? Probably not. I think you wonder what would have happened if we had tried. But you had your chance. You told me you felt the same as I did for you, but that was a lie, you never said you loved me.

I won't answer your emails or texts anymore.

dreary

life is hard work
the sky stays gray
and it's
dreary

you don't realize until he's gone how much you rely on him. he is your best friend, close enough to be a brother, and just like your own brother, he makes you laugh and feel better even when you don't want to. then when he leaves, as he has every right to move on, you swallow your missing him and pretend you're okay.

months later, you finally have your breakdown 'cuz you can't hold it in any more. so go ahead and feel sorry for yourself for today. things will continue to change.