No one will see this

People always say, "Let me know if you need anything." I've said that lots of times to other people I knew were going through a hard time. But really, do you call anyone when you're feeling down? Do you say "Hey, I'm feeling down today, can we talk?" No... you don't. You reach out tentatively...you ask "Hey, when do you want to meet for coffee?" The answer is 2 or 3 days away. Not soon enough. Someone says "I'm working late." Others don't even call. Of course, how can they know you need them to?

I think in the future, when someone I know is feeling sad, I won't wait for them he/she to call me when he/she wants to talk. I think I'll call without being asked.

Almost my 51st birthday

Sometimes I re-read my posts and think "I'm so stupid." Why can't I be more creative and find more subjects-ideas to write about? Why is it that I so often only write when I'm upset in some way?

I'm sick of myself.

long, dark night

In the beginning, we both talked about our trust issues. We both agreed that we didn't trust anyone much. But I optimistically thought we would build trust together. In the end though, your trust only diminished in us, in me. And I realized in the last two weeks, that you had no trust or faith in me at all.

I guess that is finally what pushed me completely out of the door. Though you had been trying to push me out for a long time, I kept hoping things would get better. You once said that you were testing me, to see how long I would hold on, or if I would stay no matter what. But a person can't stay in a relationship when there is no belief in love. And then things didn't get better. They only got worse. I'm so sad that it got worse. I miss you so much. But I need someone who will trust me, because for me, that is the basis for long-term love.

Happy Valentine's Day - bah humbug!

It doesn't matter if you're the one who left or the one who was left. Ending is never easy. It hurts. For the last two weeks I've been dreaming of her. Some dreams I was mad, but mostly.... I miss her. My arms miss her, my heart..... Even though logically I know we weren't getting along and that for a long time I knew things were unlikely to change.... emotionally I miss all of it, even the fights, but not the insults. I think of her coffee, fires in the backyard ..... I miss the laughing and the closeness we had in the beginning and once in a while toward the end. I will always miss that so very much.

Forecast: mix of sun and clouds

University of Michigan football games draw over 100,000 people each home game. A substantial percentage of these people walk by my house. Every week that I see this, it amazes me that there are this many people in such a small area of town. I try not to think of how many people there are in the world, it is quite overwhelming. Just a small snippet of the world's population.....walking by my house. Yet there is SO many people! Each one with their own lives. What are they thinking about? What's for dinner? Their work? Their spouse? How many of them are lonely? How many are headed to a home with no one there? Are these people sad to be going home-leaving their friends? Does loneliness feel the same to everyone? Is that why certain songs and poetry effects us the way it does? Because we recognize the feeling?

All these faces......all these different people. Going home.

Purple thoughts

Why is it so hard for us to follow our intuition? Why do we resist and hold back when our hearts say go forward? Is it just human nature? Is it fear? Fear of getting what we want? I think it's mostly fear of rejection. Rejection hurts, it sucks, and we avoid it whenever possible.

Dark Monday

I can hear the rumble of thunder outside. Goddess knows we need the rain. I have been watching the front yard burn slowly each day as the sun has beat down upon it in the 90 degree weather. It's unbearable.